Feeling out of control? Stop struggling.
Pain x resistance = suffering, or so say the Buddhists. Twelve-step groups also advocate strongly for acceptance, citing it as “the answer to all…problems today” (Alcoholics Anonymous, 1939, p. 417). Even the ancient Stoics agreed that acceptance is the only way to face situations which are out of one’s control.
So, is acceptance of our current circumstance — whether it be isolation, unemployment, sickness or fear — really the cure to discomfort? Researchers in a 2008 study on pain and acceptance, found that when patients with fibromyalgia and arthritis struggled to retain “a pre-pain identity”, they could not accept their reality and that this refusal to accept their current reality prevented their successful adjustment to it. Upon completion of the study, participants admitted that they spent a long time searching for ways to eliminate the pain and that this struggle was “quite prolonged”. They also reported that acceptance had to be practiced, not once, but repeatedly. Once they did accept the pain as part of their life, however, the process of making peace began to commence and quality of life improved (Boudreaux, et al, 2008, 201–210).
Acceptance of a problem is often mistaken for “giving up”. This practice of giving in goes against the values of our culture, which tell us “You can do anything you set your mind to!”. Stories of people who “pushed through” or “rose above” are celebrated in our movies and books. Ceding defeat is viewed as a failure, and is NOT an option for our heroes who won their personal battles by fighting their circumstances and overcoming them.
Let me first point out that I’m not promoting complacency as a solution to one’s problems, nor am I trivializing the mental toughness that some goals require if they are to be realized. After all, some of our greatest achievements as humans came about because someone refused to give up. What this “Never give up!” mentality doesn’t address, however, are the personal costs associated with the pursuit of said endeavors, whether mental, physical, financial or spiritual. Consider, for example, the benefits of choosing not to struggle, such as the avoidance of further destruction (as in war) or the experience of peace reported by terminally ill patients after they decide to stop painful treatments as a way of meeting death on their own terms.
Perhaps there is an easier approach to the emotional and mental battles we are experiencing. Rather than fighting with our thoughts and feelings, what would happen if we simply accepted them without judging them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’?
Here’s how that process might look.
1. Person who has recently lost job thinks: “I’m worried about how long it will take me to find another one. This does not feel good to me.”
2. Person decides not to struggle with the feeling or change it, and sits with it instead.
3. What follows this practice may come as a surprise to you when applied.
4. You don’t die.
5. You continue to breathe.
6. You are still whole.
7. You are still you.
8. A sense of control returns.
You are the one making the decisions again by choosing not to struggle. The tightness in your chest begins to dissipate and the muscles in your face relax. The source of your pain is still there, you can see it, but its effect on you is more that of an irritating bug bite as opposed to a mortal wound.
Taking a deeper breath, you begin to realize that nothing has changed yet everything has changed. And if that is true, isn’t it also true in reverse?
Next time, you find yourself overwhelmed by emotion, try something different. Simply call the situation exactly what it is, at this moment. For instance, “I’m worried that no one has called me to interview for that I job I applied for. I accept that I am feeling worried.” Hard stop. Later on, you can reflect on the intensity of the painful thought and how long it lasted once you stopped fighting it.
One of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott, says that an excellent morning prayer is “Whatever”, and that a good night time prayer is “Oh well”. I would add that a good “anytime” response to your next problematic emotion might simply be, “Hm.”
References:
ANNELAMOTT. (2014, November 14). An excellent morning prayer…[tweet]. Retrieved from https://twitter.com/annelamott/status/529851155946287104?lang=en
Boudreau, A., LaChapelle, D. and Lavoie, S. (2008). The meaning and process of pain acceptance. Perceptions of women living with arthritis and fibromyalgia. Pain Research & Management, 13(3), 201–210. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?term=%22Pain%20Res%20Manag%22[jour]
W., Bill. (1976). Alcoholics Anonymous : the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism. New York :Alcoholics Anonymous World Services.
